Recently I find myself communicating with a stranger. Maybe I startle her with the intensity and fortitude I put into correspondence but I will take what she says at face value - a desire for upfront honesty. Every fault, flaw, untempered thought to be explored to its fullest. I am a person of ideas - not a minute goes by without a hundred different thoughts crossing my mind, all making sense. It's maddening. I have come to appreciate how rare an opportunity it is for two people to connect....

My love is in league with the freeway. Its passion will ride, as the cities fly by and, the tail-lights dissolve, in the coming of night. The questions in thousands take flight. My love is miles in the waiting. The eyes that just stare, and the glance at the clock and the secret that burns, and the pain that grows dark and it's you once again. Leading me on - leading me down the road. Driving beyond - driving me down that road.

My love is exceedingly vivid. Red-eyed and fevered...

More insanity. Just when I don't want any, it comes from so many directions. Don't get me wrong, its nice. Given recent events, even welcomed. But this is a time I need to focus inward:

Applab.
Harvard.
Portugal.
Tennis.
Business.
Friends

As my old economics teacher - Mr. Quartermain - used to caution me, women are a distraction. A wonderful, incredible, beautiful, distraction.

Don't I know it....

Special People I've had the fortune to connect with over the years.

Dad
Showed me the importance of being responsible.
Empowered me with a sense of independence. Financially, emotionally, ethically.

Sameer
Showed me the importance of being carefree and reckless.

Minni
Showed me the importance of resilience.

Megha
Showed me the importance of the self.

Cinthya
Showed me the importance of patience....

closure.

Peculiar sentiment. Like most people, I am not immune to doing whatever necessary in achieving it. I suppose the lengths I go to may be bizarre for some but, I strongly believe the only way of having healthy closure is to embrace the deluge of emotions that come at the end of a relationship. You can't run away from such feelings, all you can ever hope is to find ways of living with them. I've recently splayed red across this journal - emotions are all powerful and mustn't...

I've been carving you,
To see what form you'd take.
You held me in avarice.
I just wanted to free your shape.

Bringing me down,
its too quiet to breathe
Who wants to hear,
their heart beat?

Oh, it's gotta be here.
In your spider-web alphabets.
Am I reading it wrong?
Or have I just not gotten it yet?

You got what you want.
You wanted release.
Can you be appeased?

Can you bring...

I'm going to have an orgasm - it's working.

Whoo Hoo! Harvard looks more and more possible after surveying the situation in some detail today.

Dare I get my hopes up? I mean its far fetched, extremely so but yet not impossible. I was an Ontario scholar after all and, didn't do badly at all while at Queens - even if I did somewhat bungle up the first year.

And, doesn't it just SUCK to not having anybody to tell all this to except for a journal? There's a certain failure on my part there. Wait, this is not...

I've never been on a date before. From what I observe, I'm not alone in this. Perhaps I over think but attraction is either there or it isn't at the onset. For me it works in a slightly different way - attraction takes some time to develop. At the onset its simply about potential. I suppose I've got some tricky barriers to get around but recently I've been working on my "approachability" issues. The past three years I simply wasn't approachable to the opposite gender but now that...

Fuck me, there is no way I'm going to Libya. Sorry, not going to happen. Given my erm colorful history, I'm not going. Nope. Don't care for your plane tickets or fist full of dollars and wish you all the best of luck with your 25th anniversary Al Waketon but, this is not happening and, not on the very same day I just started thinking about the US.

How do these things just keep happening to me? Did I ask for this? Did I do ANYTHING at ALL to get here?

No truck...

Enough of the self inflicted torture. Pain is great and, pain is part of feeling alive but it does get exhausting and weary.

Past two months I've been all of ninety and all of fifteen, in the bruised body of a soldier a thousand years old.

Yep, about captures the grusome'ness of it.

On to being single, which is a fascinating world all of its own. In my case, at the age of 34, financially and career wise more than settled, opportunity to do things...

Hold On.

I'm so sorry I wasn't there.
I could't see through my own need.
I'm so sorry I wasn't strong enough
take comfort
I am now.

Don't hold your head
I'm all grown up now
and alone.

On my own.
and I'm taking care of her
I'm trying,
She misses you, and I
I'm just crying.
I want to tug your hair
I want to tug your hair

At the office, you'd be proud
...

Its no secret I've got a man crush on Roger Federer. The calm, poise, confidence and wizardry I find, well poetic.

Picked up a tennis racket for the first time in five years and whacked the ball. Really, really whacked it. T'was unfair on the person across. There's no enjoyment when nothing's left to be had. Don't know who I was playing with today but it wasn't my good friend Stefan. I think I was actually playing Roger Federer.

I'm holding on to everything so...

Love is blindness
I want to see
Please don't wrap the night
Around me?
Take my heart.
Love is blindness.

In a parked car.
In a crowded street.
I have your love,
I'm made complete.
But the thread was ripping,
and the knot was slipping,
Love is blindness.

Love is clockworks.
And cold steel.
Fingers to numb to feel.
I squeezed the handle,
Blew out the candle.
...

Was about to hammer out a mini novella on what it is that's troubling me but I ended up buying a house in Lisbon instead.

http://www.acasadascasas.pt/pt/detalhes.htm?RID=3453969

commitment.

At 34 I find myself alone - a little scared and quite lost. The world at my fingertips - all I need do is point. Except, I'm afraid to.

Another city, another business, another notch on the score card.

Time was, ambition and adventure...