My Bloody Sleeve
Posted 03-10-2006 at 09:13 AM by BVS
So I have this friend and when we were in college we'd often sit on the hood of a car, or lay down in a park, or whatever location we could find and look up at the stars and have these long intense conversations. We'd talk about God, relationships, politics, the ridiculous and silly(there's a common misconception amongst people who are just getting to know me that I take life too seriously, but I have a huge appreciation for the sillybut this is an entirely different conversation), pretty much anything was fair game. We'd talk till we ran out of words, or felt too tired, or the sun came up, or when we got a little older and brought wine into the equation, decided we had too much to drink. I can't even remember the conversation we were having but I'll always remember her reaction, "Dude, take it off your sleeve and place it back in your chest". I just laughed, because I knew exactly what she was telling me.
All my life I've lived with my heart on my sleeve. I don't know any other way. I always thought that's how it was supposed to be, and that those who didn't live this way were atrophied in their soul. Well as I grew up, more and more people were "atrophied in their soul". And now after living on this planet for 3 decades, I've realized I'm one of the few that actually think this is natural. I'm now questioning how healthy this lifestyle really is. It might make for easy songwriting, but lately it just seems like it's more of a burden then a freedom...like it once was.
Every piece of dust, lent, or debris that life has floating in the air will collect on a heart that's worn on the sleeve. Every bad show, failed friendship, unrequited love they all cut. Scars are the closest thing I have to walls, but scars don't protect much. But Even in the aftermaths of some of the worst casualties that this heart has suffered, I still leave it where it is. Exposed.
I know artists who can expose the most intimate places of their heart on a canvas or in a song, yet when the song is over and the paint is dried they return to an unexposed state. I now envy these people...maybe.
How can one leave their self so exposed? How is it I never learned to build these walls and protection devices that everyone else seems to have? Did I just miss that part of life? Was it part of that 'Everything I Learned I Learned in Kindergarten' poster? I have to admit I never did read all the way to the bottom.
Yeah, I guess I'll never learn.
"Dude, take it off your sleeve and place it back in your chest"
All my life I've lived with my heart on my sleeve. I don't know any other way. I always thought that's how it was supposed to be, and that those who didn't live this way were atrophied in their soul. Well as I grew up, more and more people were "atrophied in their soul". And now after living on this planet for 3 decades, I've realized I'm one of the few that actually think this is natural. I'm now questioning how healthy this lifestyle really is. It might make for easy songwriting, but lately it just seems like it's more of a burden then a freedom...like it once was.
Every piece of dust, lent, or debris that life has floating in the air will collect on a heart that's worn on the sleeve. Every bad show, failed friendship, unrequited love they all cut. Scars are the closest thing I have to walls, but scars don't protect much. But Even in the aftermaths of some of the worst casualties that this heart has suffered, I still leave it where it is. Exposed.
I know artists who can expose the most intimate places of their heart on a canvas or in a song, yet when the song is over and the paint is dried they return to an unexposed state. I now envy these people...maybe.
How can one leave their self so exposed? How is it I never learned to build these walls and protection devices that everyone else seems to have? Did I just miss that part of life? Was it part of that 'Everything I Learned I Learned in Kindergarten' poster? I have to admit I never did read all the way to the bottom.
Yeah, I guess I'll never learn.
"Dude, take it off your sleeve and place it back in your chest"
Total Comments 2
Comments
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i think you should leave it right where it is.
i know i'm not one to talk, i'm extremely sick today and i've been an emotional disaster for the past few months, so i really have no business here.
i know it's dangerous, leaving yourself wide open for all of the hurt that comes with it, but i like to think there's something very special about someone who puts it right out there and the rest be damned.Posted 03-10-2006 at 10:03 AM by beegee
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I can't really speak to how it feels to wear your heart on your sleeve, because I'm more or less the opposite of that, I suppose. But I suspect that even if you could "place it back in your chest," you'd find that it still wounds just as easily, even if the nature of the pain and the kinds of situations that cause it might be a little different. I generally have the reputation of being a Really Nice, Calm, Agreeable Sort, and while I'd like to think there are some positive factors driving that persona, I know that much of it also comes from a desire to avoid being wounded by others, and an awareness of the difficulty I have getting over it when that happens. The thing is, it doesn't really work--ultimately the problem is that that difficulty exists in the first place, not how well or badly you manage it. People don't really affect you any differently just because you put up a front of agreeability and reserve.
I can and do rationalize constantly with myself: Let it go; people just do hurt and disappoint each other sometimes, that's just human nature and nothing to get riled over. And to a point, this self-chastising does help to tame those feelings of woundedness and having been wronged (or guilt over having done the same to others). But I would much prefer to not have a need for all this prudence and rationalizing in the first place. If it makes any sense, that's why I'm inclined to doubt that "placing it back in your chest" would really help matters enough to be worth the trouble. A vulnerable heart (and ego?) will manage to break through just about any restraining walls you try to put around them.Posted 03-10-2006 at 05:52 PM by yolland
