2 years.

Memphis and i had our 2 year anniversary on friday. we exchanged cards and had a truffle or two (and, not to be too graphic, but i discovered just how, erm, effective Massive Attack can be if you're looking for mood music -- and am so happy that's still going as strong as ever after 2 years) before going out to the same restaurant where we had our first date, an uppity Mexican restaurant that, as opposed to most upscale restaurants, has actually gotten better over the past few years. i had a delicious red snapper with a green chile sauce, and he had a beef and chorizo over rice dish with mole sauce. we split a pitcher of sangria and dessert as well, which was three scoops of very intersting ice cream -- spicy chocolate, cinnamon plantain, and lemon avocado. all delicious, and i'm such a fan of the trend towards way-out-there ice cream flavors. when in santa fe last april, i had garam masala ice cream for the first time, and there was something amazing about the juxtaposition of such a strong, pronounced spice and the sweetness and texture of the ice cream. so, yeah, big fan.

and then today happened. it had been a long day and we'd been watching football in a bar -- no, we're not that butch, Memphis is the president of his alumni association and there was a watch party that was actually a semi-disaster -- and drinking beer and we'd gone back to my house and we were hungry so we tried a new pizza restaurant in a sketchier area of my neighborhood. and we were sipping wine and eating pizza and having a conversation, and i don't know what led up to it, but something was said, and i dont know that i've ever been so emotionally devastated by a comment in my entire life.

and he was actually right. it was a correct comment, but so many things that have been accumulating over the past couple of years (and that pre-date him) and especially things that have come into focus since the incident overwhelmed me and it was nearly impossible to finish dinner. we drove home in silence, and then sat on the couch in the dark and tried to talk it out, and we did, and it's okay, and he didn't mean things in the way that they wound up impacting me, and it's much more to do with my own issues and things that hang and loom and lurk and have gone unresolved in my own life. and i'm being vague on purpose, because i don't feel comfortable sharing too much, and it's also so specific to two human beings and to this particular time and space and headspace that it wouldn't really make too much sense.

i went to bed around 11, and woke up at 3, and am sitting on the couch almost 2 hours later after watching a recorded episode of Entourage and trying, in vain, to do a little work. and i just feel sad right now. and we'll continue to deal with stuff tomorrow.

but i can say that it is all gay-related, unique issues faced by gay couples that straight people really don't have to think about. and then i pause, and take a look at the news, and i see all of this pathetic-ness involving a certain Senator from Idaho, and the totality of homophobia, of which so much is so subtle and so interwoven into the fabric of social interactions and social expectations, really wrecks havoc on the lives, loves, and psyches of so many people. and i know that other people have so much other stuff to deal with, and the experience in the hospital, combined with facing the possibility that hung for a day or two that i might actually be handicapped from the incident, has made me appreciate all that i have and all that i've been given.

and this thing, this thing really is a gift. you have to turn it into an opportunity to genuinely self-create and make your own way and your own path and not only do you grow in the process but you can actively change the world around you by being both different yet the same. it's like when you see an incongruous image -- an Asian cowboy, for example -- and you stop, and you look, and you think, "gosh, that's kind of cool, and i didn't even know that i always assumed that cowboys were white, but now that i see one that isn't, and yet he retains his cowboy-ness, there's so much more that we all can do and can be," and this world of possiblity, of reconciliation of perceived opposites opens up before you, and it's thrilling and bursting with creativity and possibilty and, yes, the freedom that was all you ever wanted in the first place, the freedom that you risked everything for, and then to know that such tingling possiblity not only exists for you, but *inside* you as well, how could it not be a precious gift?

but living the gift presents challenges.

i don't want this to be a whinge. i really don't. but i can honestly stare at this issue in the face and say, yes, i would not have to deal with this if i were straight. and, yes, it is homophobia that's created this issue. and, no, it's not my fault. and, yes, there are things i could do that would alleviate said issue. and, no, i shouldn't have to do that. in a perfect world.

but it's not, is it. a perfect world. it's bruised and battered and damaged and it shatters whole lives filled with the best of intentions. this world. and there's so much that's beautiful and precious and unique that gets you up again, when you get knocked down.

even when it's someone you love.