I wish there were no mirrors
Posted 03-19-2006 at 09:35 PM by joerags
Today was not a good day. For the past few days, I have been so depressed, and it's all because I am ugly. I am so ugly. The other night, I walk into the kitchen. My mother was also there. I was so depressed and angry and frustrated. All of sudden, I start talking to myself about what a fucking loser I am; I am so ugly; girls don't like me cause I am ugly; and my mother starts to yell at me and tells me, no I am not ugly, stop saying that, no, you're not a loser; you need to talk to people, be friendly, smile, be happy. She says this all in english and italian, since she is italian. Then I get more pissed and angry and say, you're wrong, if you're ugly nobody likes you; and she screams and says no. then I start to say that I am going to drive off in the river one night and just end his fucking life. i am a loser cause i am fucking so ugly. then all of a sudden, she starts to cry and takes out a knife and lunges the knife in her stomach, and says, do you want to kill me; and i was startled because now i can see that this is really hurting her to see me hate myself like this.
then today, we celebrated her birthday, but again, I was so depressed. when we were taking pictures, i said i didn't want to be in the pictures because i am so ugly and i never ever want to take a picture again in my life because i don't want to see myself in pictures anymore because it hurts to see myself. i didn't say this out loud. i just said no politely, but very sadly. she was upset that i didn't want to be in the pictures; it really hurt her feelings; she knew that i was depressed, but she didn't want to say anything. i felt really bad now. but i can't help it.
i just wished there were no mirrors anymore. i don't want to see myself ever again. i just want to be me and be happy. when i see myself in a mirror, then it starts to hurt and i feel like a loser and i feel so depressed. i don't know what to do. i know that i will be alone for the rest of my life. i can't look at people anymore, because i am so afraid that they will see that i am so ugly and they won't like me. but my mother says that i am not ugly and i am not a loser, that this is all in my mind, i just need to talk to people and be friendly and people will like you. but i can't believe her because i can and will never get rid of this notion that i am so ugly and people judge you based on how you look.
i just wanted to die. i really do. i have no future. i am so hopeless. i dont want to be alone. but i have no choice. i am ugly and people dont like me cause i am ugly. i dont blame them. i understand. typing this is making me cry now. i just want to end this.
then today, we celebrated her birthday, but again, I was so depressed. when we were taking pictures, i said i didn't want to be in the pictures because i am so ugly and i never ever want to take a picture again in my life because i don't want to see myself in pictures anymore because it hurts to see myself. i didn't say this out loud. i just said no politely, but very sadly. she was upset that i didn't want to be in the pictures; it really hurt her feelings; she knew that i was depressed, but she didn't want to say anything. i felt really bad now. but i can't help it.
i just wished there were no mirrors anymore. i don't want to see myself ever again. i just want to be me and be happy. when i see myself in a mirror, then it starts to hurt and i feel like a loser and i feel so depressed. i don't know what to do. i know that i will be alone for the rest of my life. i can't look at people anymore, because i am so afraid that they will see that i am so ugly and they won't like me. but my mother says that i am not ugly and i am not a loser, that this is all in my mind, i just need to talk to people and be friendly and people will like you. but i can't believe her because i can and will never get rid of this notion that i am so ugly and people judge you based on how you look.
i just wanted to die. i really do. i have no future. i am so hopeless. i dont want to be alone. but i have no choice. i am ugly and people dont like me cause i am ugly. i dont blame them. i understand. typing this is making me cry now. i just want to end this.
Total Comments 6
Comments
-
Joe, I don't want to be a bitch to you but I am going to be. You have been posting about this for quite awhile now. People have offered to talk to you and help you out. I've reached out. Do you really think that ending your life is the solution? No, it is never a solution. Not only will you be dead but you will hurt the people who love you the most. Is that what you want? That's the most selfish thing you can do to someone. Please, I really beg of you to seek some help asap.Posted 03-19-2006 at 10:25 PM by U2Girl1978
-
Joe, I've never seen you in person and so I have no idea what you look like, but I just can't believe that anyone would be so ugly that no one could ever love them. Your mother obviously loves you and cares about you, and I'm sure she's not the only one. You seem like a good guy who's going through some hard times, but believe me, you will pull through. You can make it through this, I promise - you just can't allow yourself to give up, okay? I know it might sound cliche or maybe even a little scary, but I think U2Girl1978 is right - you should definitely get some help. I know it's not fun - believe me, I've been there, and it's not easy at first, but in the end you will come out ahead, feeling much better about yourself and your life. Please look into it, Joe. You seem like a strong person (and hey, you have great taste in music, so none of this "loser" stuff, OK? ;) ), and I know you can get through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you as always, friend, and I have every confidence that you will get through this hell and "see the beauty inside of you." :wink: :hug: Walk On.Posted 03-19-2006 at 10:41 PM by Cabcere -
Joe, I'm sorry you're feeling sad again. Please, find someone that you can talk to, like a counselor or a therapist. They will help you towards self-acceptance.
Please, take care of yourself.Posted 03-20-2006 at 05:38 AM by Diane L -
i dont have any words of advice, everyone here said it all. i hope you find peace within yourself:hug:Posted 03-20-2006 at 09:26 AM by cell -
Please go see a dr. You don't have to suffer like this. They can help you! :hug:Posted 03-20-2006 at 10:37 AM by redkat -
People who don't like others because of their looks are the ugly ones. However...physical appearance is all opinion...beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I also think that physical appearance shouldn't determine the kind of life we lead. I wish you wouldn't get so down on yourself, it makes me feel so bad to read this sort of stuff from you. Dude, you're a U2 fan...so I know you at least have that going for you...and that's major! :D
If you really are having thoughts of suicide though, you NEED to seek help! Please. And if you ever want somebody to talk to, you can get in touch with me.
Posted 03-20-2006 at 10:37 AM by Bonochick
