I think I should be over this...but i'm not
Posted 01-27-2009 at 09:06 PM by LJT
...and i'm not even sure what the hell it is.
Not really clear that, is it?
You know for the most part i'm a very jovial, outgoing, friendly kind of guy. I was told today apparently everybody knows who I am in class
But that's probably more to do with being only like 17 guys in a class of 200. Anyway I go along I'm being quintessentially me which is usually some form of silliness of quirkiness, I can be grand...but then I get hit by a malaise of sorts, which is the best way I can describe it. Sort of a cloud descends over my thoughts and all I can do is second guess everything I've said that day, every action i've made.
It's a bit maddening at times, and it literally is everything that I disect down into minute detail. Why did I say this? I should have said something. Did I listen enough, too much? Talk too little, too much? Why don't I have funnier anecdotes? More interesting stories? It's immensely frustrating. It's trying to grasp something stable in yourself but it just ain't there.
I haven't really felt this way for about a year. I often compare my nature as being directly half and half of my parents. My mum is an extremely outgoing social person, loves people. My dad is the biggest misanthrope I know, but loves his family, but prefers our and his own company to that of other people. He's quite anti-social I'd say.
I feel like i'm the no-man's land between my parent's personalities. I can change from one to the other quite dramatically at times. It's like a switch, I can be very outgoing one moment, and then be sapped of all energy to socialise the next, and I just sit there in doubt.
I often feel the most normal when I'm with my friends though, I just feel more right when I'm around them. When i'm alone, I feel a bit like the loneliest person there is. I get the feeling I may be a very needy person, not in the sense of 'look at me', but just needing people around to have some sense of self, otherwise I implode a little.
Ahh well i'll just get on with it, writing it down has made me feel a bit better anyway, gathered the thoughts together and what not, time for another coffee and follow the tennis.
Not really clear that, is it?
You know for the most part i'm a very jovial, outgoing, friendly kind of guy. I was told today apparently everybody knows who I am in class
But that's probably more to do with being only like 17 guys in a class of 200. Anyway I go along I'm being quintessentially me which is usually some form of silliness of quirkiness, I can be grand...but then I get hit by a malaise of sorts, which is the best way I can describe it. Sort of a cloud descends over my thoughts and all I can do is second guess everything I've said that day, every action i've made.It's a bit maddening at times, and it literally is everything that I disect down into minute detail. Why did I say this? I should have said something. Did I listen enough, too much? Talk too little, too much? Why don't I have funnier anecdotes? More interesting stories? It's immensely frustrating. It's trying to grasp something stable in yourself but it just ain't there.
I haven't really felt this way for about a year. I often compare my nature as being directly half and half of my parents. My mum is an extremely outgoing social person, loves people. My dad is the biggest misanthrope I know, but loves his family, but prefers our and his own company to that of other people. He's quite anti-social I'd say.
I feel like i'm the no-man's land between my parent's personalities. I can change from one to the other quite dramatically at times. It's like a switch, I can be very outgoing one moment, and then be sapped of all energy to socialise the next, and I just sit there in doubt.
I often feel the most normal when I'm with my friends though, I just feel more right when I'm around them. When i'm alone, I feel a bit like the loneliest person there is. I get the feeling I may be a very needy person, not in the sense of 'look at me', but just needing people around to have some sense of self, otherwise I implode a little.
Ahh well i'll just get on with it, writing it down has made me feel a bit better anyway, gathered the thoughts together and what not, time for another coffee and follow the tennis.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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Interestingly enough, I can relate. My parents are two completely different people. My mom is outgoing, fun, open, emotional, loving, caring, etc.. and my Dad is shy, quiet, introverted, never shows emotion, very in his 'routine', etc. I'm a mix between both. I do the second guessing myself thing too and when you're around people that are lax and know you and you know them, it just flows naturally. Then when you are alone, you have all this time to over think shit. I do it all the time.Posted 01-27-2009 at 11:59 PM by Sicy
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It's annoying the shit you start thinking over, it can be the most mundane everyday comment you make and you analyse it for the next few hours
I just thought I was kinda over it so to speak. I'm probably making a bigger deal over it than needs be, but hey I guess that's the nature of the beast!
Posted 01-28-2009 at 04:50 AM by LJT -
I feel the same about a lot of what you just said actually, although not the over analysing part and the loneliness - for me I think it's the complete opposite and when I'm with others I loose a sense of self.
It sounds pretty frustrating and a bit like a balancing act. Do you just go through periods of it now and again or does it happen every time you you make/hear a certain comment?Posted 01-28-2009 at 05:17 AM by partygirlvox - It's a bit random in it's occurrence. It's normal for me to be analytical of what I do, but every now and then it spirals, I wouldn't say out of control, but I end up not being very happy. Normally I can distract myself from it, but every now and then, it's just endless. Probably the worst of it was when I was at uni the first time, after Christmas I just stopped going to class and hid myself away from people.
Tis all a weight on my mind, I can shutdown, be hyper. I can be brilliant in social situations and I cannot. I've learnt to push past the shutting down I can do in recent times, it just still bothers me that these feelings of complete inadequacy still bubble up.
I balance myself on a daily basis and have got reasonably good at it, just as i've said, it can tip to either extreme. Anyway writing it down helped...I don't think I would have been able to do anything today if I hadn't, so I am very grateful for the replies, much appreciated!Posted 01-28-2009 at 06:49 AM by LJT
