inspired moments

"Love somebody else"



Thank you Andy Garcia.
Thank you Francis Ford Coppola.

Finally!

Three years of doubting myself, doubting my own sanity, riddled in uncertainty of what I should do with Megha Jandhyala - where common sense and fact could never coexist, I picked a position.

Did she love me?
Yes
Was she extremely selfish?
Undoubtedly.
Would she ever see me as anything more than a backup?
Matters not anymore.
Had I contributed to how I was treated?
Yes.
Do I love her?
Yes.
Could I continue allowing myself to be treated this way?
Absolutely not.
Do ANY other details matter?
No.
Is my conscience clear?
Yes.
Was this a rational choice?
Yes.
Was this a necessary choice?
Yes.
Will I regret anything years from now?
Yes, Not having enough confidence at the time of my father's death to end the relationship.
Do I care if she reads this at some point in the future?
Probably..yes.
Do I hate her?
No.
Do I respect her as a person?
Yes.
How could you ask her to marry you two days ago given all this?
T'was a lucid moment when I realized there were ONLY two choices ahead:
1: Marry me, and thus through her commitment, validate the past.
2: Elect to go it alone, and reaffirm my thoughts/positions/reflections, to the point where that part of history between us was rendered meaningless.
Aren't you just a little insane? What if she had said yes? Could you really put aside the little voices in your head?
With her commitment I would have forced her to reconcile actions and words. That would have been part of my commitment in action.
Are you really talking to yourself ON your own blog, no less?
Maybe I'm just a little insane.
Does it hurt?
Yes.
Where specifically?
My heart.
How much of your "necessary choice" was determined by the wounded heart?
The wounded heart was what asked her to marry me. An act of self defense in retrospect.
You really don't hate her?
Not in the slightest. To hate her would be to hate myself. C'est impossible.
Are you going to have more conversations with yourself?
Probably.
Going to be just as tight lipped?
Is that a trick question? I have some influence with the board you know.
LMAO
Laughing at your own jokes?
I'm supposed to be asking the questions here.
Life will be fine. Just fine.
Did you know she'd say no?
I was quite confident she wouldn't answer, the need to have control wouldn't let her. Which is why I was precise, no decision would equate a negative.
So you wanted her to say no?
I wanted her to say yes. Heart was bleeding remember?
So you are relieved she said no.
Was a win/win/win whatever response or lack of one. Haven't you been paying attention?
You're asking questions again..
Somebody needs to, you're making statements again.
You're rightly fucked in the head.
I prefer "slightly insane", but believe what you must.
You do know what that means in conversation with yourself, don't you?
After three years, I have mastered ignoring my own beliefs.
That sounded cynical.
It was.
Doesn't bode too well for the future.
Shut up.
You shut up!
Were I to, who'd answer your questions?
By that, you mean who'd ask the questions?
see what I mean?
Are you really clarifying to yourself what it is that you mean?
There's an iPhone game that needs some attending to.
You're going to run away from questions you're asking yourself?
Told you I was a master.
[chuckle] You'll be just fine.
Thank you, but I didn't really need you to tell me that.
Yes you did.
Perhaps I did.
Go Go, there's that iPhone game.
bye.