Anxiety's chokehold

I had been on Paxil since 2001 for panic attacks and it had worked fairly well. I would feel anxious but instead of having panic attacks I would simply feel really irritated.. which was a welcome respite. This year however, I had to get off them since I was feeling very suicidal early on in the year, those of you who have kept up with my blog know why. They tried me on Effexor XR 75mg for about a month, but didn't feel it was doing anything so took me off. The withdrawal effects from coming off that pill for less than a month were horrendous. Shakes, insomnia, brain shocks. I was working at the same time, but I had my ativan with me and that was getting me through any anxious moments.

However in the mid summer, my ativan decided that it didn't want to be helpful any longer and I began getting full blown anxiety attacks again. To make matters worse, work was slow and I was laid off once again. I thought, okay, I'll use this time to heal, to get my brain sorted out.

I went back to the doctor and once again, he put me on Effexor XR 75mg and I explained to him how the Ativan had ceased to do anything to help at all and asked if I could try Xanax, something in the same family but at least a bit different. I'd love to say the growing pains of Effexor are done, but they are not. I am still having anxiety daily to the point that I don't feel like I can work. I am frightened, the only kind of jobs there are around here are call centres which is great if you don't have social anxiety or panic disorder or PTSD. The doc sent me for blood work and I had that done this past week (nearly passed out, I hate getting blood done. Nurses were a godsend!)

The xanax has been helping somewhat but between that and the Effexor side effects, I am getting majorly depressed and the most I can do all day is get up, then feel so utterly tired that I have to take a nap.. then I end up having a fitful sleep. And if I don't take two full xanax a day, I am almost guaranteed a fitful sleep, if I can get to sleep at all.

This past year has been a double edged sword, I am very grateful for my boyfriend and to have found him.. but at the same time the ruckus and fighting for truth and justice and everything has taken a toll. but right now I feel so utterly lost and really, quite useless.