unico - the farewell tour
Posted 04-25-2008 at 09:41 AM by unico
this whole moving thing really has me stressed. because i apparently wasn't quite overwhelmed before the moving time arrived. i guess my threshold is not quite what i thought it was. anyway, it's tough picking up and moving from a state i've lived in most of my life. plus, i'm doing it on my own. i'm not the most organized person in the world, and trying to keep things managed in my head is a nearly impossible task in itself.
on top of that i've been trying to say goodbye to my friends. most people are being cool about this, but some are total brats and keep saying "come here come here!" (i have friends on all corners of the state) and when i say i can't make it they get pissy, yet they make no efforts to come to my town and see me. i wish they'd get a grip! they have jobs and stuff. i don't! as much as i want to see them, i can only do so much. i did propose a some central meetup points. we'll see if that works out.
i can't believe i'll be out of this house this weekend. i was only here for 3 months. it was a great 3 months, with just me and bailey. it's been really lonely here without him. hell, life itself has been scary and lonely without him. i've no idea how i'm going to survive this huge move. i just hope it's quick and painless. i've had enough pain to last me a lifetime.
oh and i'm moving back in with my parents for a week. that has me sick to my stomach, but hopefully it will be a quick week. i have a final next week, so that'll keep me busy. i've already been having nightmares (i slept twice this week, woooooo!) the first one, i was at my parents' house. i had just moved in. i was in my room and then the walls started oozing blood. i screamed and tried to leave, but my parents said i had to stay and wouldn't let me go.
in the second dream, i was in the garden with my mom, weeding. a huge python emerged from the dirt and slithered away. my mom was trying to kill it, i just watched in awe/horror. then later i was in bed, about to sleep, when the python found its way to my room. it slithered to my bed, and just stared at me. i wanted to grab it, but was afraid it would strike me. i think it was waiting for me to grab it, so we just stared at each other, and then i woke up.
i read a long time ago that snakes mean change. it has been an animal totem for me. my life is constantly changing directions. i've been around lots of snakes in my life. from when i was a child and to this day, they still illicit the same feeling from me: awe/fear. i'm in awe of the beautiful creature. i don't know why, but something about it really draws me in. when i see one, i stare at it for a long time. but i'm also very afraid of them too, and i try to keep my distance while looking on.
because i'm so dynamic, people assume that i am "strong" and can handle change. well, secret is out: i'm not. i was crying for much of the flight to dublin. that was the first time i had traveled to a country by myself. i make these leaps, but i'm scared shitless. this move, this doctoral program, is no different. like that python, i *want* to grab it. i want to own up to it and move forward, but part of me is so afraid. contrary to popular belief, i never make decisions. sometimes i feel like these decisions make me. i feel a certain pull toward something, and so i follow it. this program found me. they chose me. i'm just letting myself be pulled, hoping that it will turn out okay.
oh and my mom trying to kill the snake is also significant. first of all, it turns out that she had the very same dream (not the part where it met me in my bedroom though.) see, she and my dad have been against this from the beginning. she's still against it. she was trying to kill the snake because she doesn't want me to go, she's trying to kill this change. and, of course, when she has called me this week, she keeps asking "are you sure you want to do this? are you having second thoughts? have you changed your mind?"
i have to say though, it has been awhile since i've had meaningful dreams. although these are fuckin scary, they do tell me a bit about what i'm feeling inside. i missed being that self-aware.
on top of that i've been trying to say goodbye to my friends. most people are being cool about this, but some are total brats and keep saying "come here come here!" (i have friends on all corners of the state) and when i say i can't make it they get pissy, yet they make no efforts to come to my town and see me. i wish they'd get a grip! they have jobs and stuff. i don't! as much as i want to see them, i can only do so much. i did propose a some central meetup points. we'll see if that works out.
i can't believe i'll be out of this house this weekend. i was only here for 3 months. it was a great 3 months, with just me and bailey. it's been really lonely here without him. hell, life itself has been scary and lonely without him. i've no idea how i'm going to survive this huge move. i just hope it's quick and painless. i've had enough pain to last me a lifetime.
oh and i'm moving back in with my parents for a week. that has me sick to my stomach, but hopefully it will be a quick week. i have a final next week, so that'll keep me busy. i've already been having nightmares (i slept twice this week, woooooo!) the first one, i was at my parents' house. i had just moved in. i was in my room and then the walls started oozing blood. i screamed and tried to leave, but my parents said i had to stay and wouldn't let me go.
in the second dream, i was in the garden with my mom, weeding. a huge python emerged from the dirt and slithered away. my mom was trying to kill it, i just watched in awe/horror. then later i was in bed, about to sleep, when the python found its way to my room. it slithered to my bed, and just stared at me. i wanted to grab it, but was afraid it would strike me. i think it was waiting for me to grab it, so we just stared at each other, and then i woke up.
i read a long time ago that snakes mean change. it has been an animal totem for me. my life is constantly changing directions. i've been around lots of snakes in my life. from when i was a child and to this day, they still illicit the same feeling from me: awe/fear. i'm in awe of the beautiful creature. i don't know why, but something about it really draws me in. when i see one, i stare at it for a long time. but i'm also very afraid of them too, and i try to keep my distance while looking on.
because i'm so dynamic, people assume that i am "strong" and can handle change. well, secret is out: i'm not. i was crying for much of the flight to dublin. that was the first time i had traveled to a country by myself. i make these leaps, but i'm scared shitless. this move, this doctoral program, is no different. like that python, i *want* to grab it. i want to own up to it and move forward, but part of me is so afraid. contrary to popular belief, i never make decisions. sometimes i feel like these decisions make me. i feel a certain pull toward something, and so i follow it. this program found me. they chose me. i'm just letting myself be pulled, hoping that it will turn out okay.
oh and my mom trying to kill the snake is also significant. first of all, it turns out that she had the very same dream (not the part where it met me in my bedroom though.) see, she and my dad have been against this from the beginning. she's still against it. she was trying to kill the snake because she doesn't want me to go, she's trying to kill this change. and, of course, when she has called me this week, she keeps asking "are you sure you want to do this? are you having second thoughts? have you changed your mind?"
i have to say though, it has been awhile since i've had meaningful dreams. although these are fuckin scary, they do tell me a bit about what i'm feeling inside. i missed being that self-aware.
Total Comments 9
Comments
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:hug:Posted 04-25-2008 at 10:06 AM by Night & Day
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I've have been where you are right now. I used to have dreams about snakes as well. Also dreams about being chased by dogs. I haven't had those dreams in a while. Two years ago I was miserable in my office job with a boss that screamed at me daily. Tonight I'm leaving to go back home for the weekend because tomorrow I graduate from culinary school with a degree in culinary arts, my lifelong dream. Two months ago I moved out of state for the first time ever (my sister is here so I'm not totally alone) to work in my first real kitchen. I'm an assistant pastry chef at one of the top resorts in this part of the country. If anyone would have told me 2 years ago that this would be my life I would have laughed. I feel like I have arrived for the first time in my life with my eyes wide open and this is totally meant to be.
Good luck on your new journey in life. It's scary as hell and not always easy. But it's totally worth it! There will be days you'll question yourself as to why you moved or why you went back to school but when it's all said and done it will be worth it and you'll be so happy with yourself that you did it.Posted 04-25-2008 at 12:59 PM by arw -
Change can be a pretty frightening thing. When I first moved out of state I almost didn't go. Worried that I would be so lonely and that nothing would go right. Luckily I had someone to make this move with. Wish you had someone too :hug: However like you have said you are going to follow your heart. Always follow your own advice with this Mia and you will be just fine :hug: Hang in there and don't let anyone,especiall your parent's,stand in your way of your dreams!
Btw just think we will only be a short plane flight from each other :sexywink:Posted 04-25-2008 at 05:26 PM by BonosBaby12 -
being strong doesn't always mean fearless too. it IS scary to pick up and start over. I suppose it's how you deal with it once you get there determines "strength", if that makes any kind of sense. I think you will land on your feet and I think you're doing something wonderful for yourself. plus you'll be in a familiar place for me and hopefully I can give you some pointers or advice of fun things to do. :hug: oh and Southwest flights to/from B-lo aren't so bad $$-wise :)Posted 04-25-2008 at 06:53 PM by U2Girl416 -
Those dreams are quite significant, and it's good you paid attention to them instead of just thinking they're nerves or hallucenations. Doing that signifies that you're ready to accept what is happening, and that's awesome. 3 months before I left Dublin, I kept having dreams about going back home and realising everything: money, clothes, etc were all left in Dublin and I had to go back and get all of it. I thought they were weird dreams and knew their significance but didn't heed them. You're going in the right direction by writing all this stuff out and leaving with this knowledge. It makes it so much easier.
I truly hope the best for you, and congratulations, and yay for integrity and exciting things happening in your life.Posted 04-25-2008 at 07:49 PM by Fille Friday -
"being strong doesn't always mean fearless too."
Amen to that. A couple years ago I was afraid to move and change too. I was so scared that I ended up doing nothing for ages. As scary as this is, nothing is worse than being idle. I've had the dreams too. Weird.
Either way, you don't have to do this alone. Well you do, but so many people are wishing you well. You'll get there :)
:hug:Posted 04-26-2008 at 12:59 AM by kafrun -
:hug:Posted 04-26-2008 at 02:54 PM by hardyharhar 
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↑ oops, I was logged in with hubby's name :sigh:
:hug:Posted 04-26-2008 at 03:02 PM by Lila64 -
:hug:Posted 04-26-2008 at 08:13 PM by RavenBlue
