Tuvok

Ok so here's the story. I met this girl on my university course about 15 months ago and straight away I was blown away by her. She was everything I wanted in a girl. Now normally I'm pretty rubbish when it comes to women. Before I met her I'd go so far as to say I had no close relationships with any girls really. So straightaway I knew this was different. I knew I had to do something to get closer to her, get to know her. I'd occasionally run into her at uni and say a few awkward words, but after a few weeks I knew I wasnt really getting anywhere. And to be honest it felt pretty sickening, I was becoming to obsessive about it. Luckily one of her best friends had taken a shine to me and my flatmate. And provided me with a way to get into this girls life more. And so we started to hang out socially as a group, her and her mates with me and some of mine. We weren't spending all our time together, a night out here and there every so often. But we were all becoming more familiar with each other. Then came the first bombshell. When we were all back home for the summer holidays I started talking to the best friend. She finds out about my crush and then drops the bomb......it ain't reciprocated. I felt completely gutted. I felt so helpless...I was miles away from the situation and the girl I was crazy about and now I find out that nothing can ever happen. So what did I do? I refused to give in. I had to change my tact I thought. Apparently she thought I was too whiney, not manly enough, not really her type. So when we restarted term I tried to be different. I went to the gym, took up new "aggressive" sports and decided to try to improve my image by socialising more with the, shall we say more popular people in the year. Did this work? Well not really. I tried seeing her less often so that when we did meet I could make more of an impact. It was really tough and in the process I saw her become closer to other guys - not nice at all. Then things hit rock bottom. She met someone else. There wasnt much I could do so I washed my hands of it all. I stop hanging out with her and her friends. I couldnt take it. It was too much for me to handle. I strongly toyed with the idea of burning my bridges and just never seeing any of them ever again. Then 2 months later they split up. I raised an eyebrow but nothing more. I still didnt really want to meet her again and undress those wounds. But I ran into her in the street and she invited me to her birthday. So I went. And we hit it off superbly. For some reason I felt like I could talk to her so much more easily than before. Even my friends, who had been highly critical of my pursuit of her before, said that we were really getting on. So we (me and her friends) started socialising again. And we continued to get on, so much easier than it had been before. I started to think again that maybe there might be a chance. Of course what had been said the previous summer was always lingering in the back of my head, which meant I kept putting off asking her out. This carried on until last week. I finally got sick of umming and ahing and I just bit the bullet and asked her out. And she said yes. This was it. 15 months of constant and it had all paid off. My one chance. And...............................

I blew it. All the nerves came back. At times it was fine we talked like normal, but at others it felt like we were talking, not having a conversation. I said tonnes of stupid things and although I got a kiss at the end of the night I felt it couldnt have really gotten any worse. A week passed- she was away so I couldnt really get in touch- and I saw her again yesterday. She seemed pleased to see me. She was friendly and from what I could tell there was no awkwardness. So i tried organising a date for the next day. She replied she was busy with work because of her time off. I accepted that and offered the weekend. She again said she was busy and couldnt even spare a couple of hours. So I said how about next week. She said "yeah text me" and then scuttled off to her friends. Her best friend tells me that she didnt want to discuss the date with her friends like she normally does. Have I blown it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Right now its taking all my will power not to pick up the phone and do something very stupid. Thanks for listening.

Bonoa

Tuvok, I must admit this is a hard situation. You don't know if you blew it and she didn't discuss the date with her friends. Women sometimes can be like closed books.

You said you've said "tonnes of stupid things". May I ask you what you said? Because maybe the things you said were not so stupid after all; you may think so, but, hey, you were nervous and when you feel like that, all the things you say seem awkward!

The best thing to do in a situation like this is to wait a few days, maybe a week, till things got more quiet and you and her got both your thoughts together. Then I think it's okay to call her and to talk over a cup of coffee.

One thing: It's important to just be yourself! That's the only way to be honest with her and, most important, with yourself. And if you are nervous or insecure it's okay to discuss that with her. She'll understand!

Good luck!

Galeongirl

Well, first, congrats with the girlfriend! That's a lot better than the usual girl troubles here!


You said you were nervous and such, said stupid things. What did you say that's so stupid? Nerves are always there on a date, and you can't help them. If what you said is really bad, talk to her about it, be honest. Girls appreciate it if a guy's honest.

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bigjohn2441

my advice:

"dont put the pussy on the pedestal"

if you arent going to man up and be someone she's actually attracted to, instead of worrying about her every move and trying to suck up to her and being a whiny little bitch about it, then dont be suprised when she avoids you like the plague or "only wants to be friends"

Tuvok

I guess when I say I said stupid things, I mean I ended up talking a lot of crap. I was trying too hard to be funny and ending up saying a lot of stuff that didnt really mean anything. The problem was the date went on for so long....like 4 hours cos we had to travel and I felt like I had to fill the whole time with talking. It got awkward cos I ran out of things to say...I mean i wouldnt even normally spend 4 hours alone with my best friend, never mind this scenario. And throughout the whole time I couldnt get out of my head the thought that maybe she was doing all this out of courtesy or something. So I felt I couldnt kill the tension by making a move or anything like that. I was hungry (she'd eaten dinner beforehand, I hadnt cos I thought we were going to get something) and tired by the end of it and so I really wasnt acting myself. So I cant really blame her if I put her off. But how can I convince her that it's worth a second chance? I've come too far to just let it die at this stage.....

bigjohn2441

if you keep trying to go after her like a little puppy dog following it's master, its gonna REALLY turn her off.

my best advice would be to stop thinking about it so much and play it cool.

Galeongirl

Stop trying to fill every moment with talking. There's this thing called comfortable silence. It's really annoying when a guy just keeps talking. It's okay to be nervous, just STOP talking all the time. A little conversation is nice, but it has to come from both sides.

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Bonoa

Yup! Exactly!

Tuvok

Ok I've taken all this on board. Thanks guys. She did say I can text her to do something next week. But what if she's reluctant to do anything? How should I play it?

Galeongirl

Give her time. If she's reluctant, she may need a bit of time to get clear what she wants for herself.

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bigjohn2441

Play it

dont be counting down the days until next week. maybe wait longer, like 2 weeks, make HER guess, or even better, if she likes you, she'll come to you

that way you dont come off as desperate

Tuvok

Oh crikey. That's going to be difficult. 2 weeks.... also there's only 4 weeks left till we all go off home for the summer. Time's the one thing I don't really have...

bigjohn2441

well then unless you can work some kind of magic and become boyfriend/girfriend in 4 weeks, i'd say you're shit out of luck. unless you dont live that far away.

bigjohn2441

i suggest you read this thread

Guess what? It's another help-someone-with-a-girl-problem thread.

nadie

This is the part that bothers me. You're trying to change to please her, to become something you're not in hopes she'll accept you. I don't think that'll work in the long term.