AttnKleinkind

So I hope that this doesn't make me sound selfish or vain, but I'll try and best explain my situation. My boyfriend and I (he's 24 I'm turning 21) have been dating for just over a year, and things have been going very very well. Basically, before he really noticed me, I had been lusting after him at church for about three years (I was 16 when this started, hence why I didn't make a move), so when he actually started talking to me, I just couldn't believe it, as he is one of THE most attractive people I've seen. So I am very much attracted to him, but, about a year or two around before we started dating, he started to gain a bit of weight. Before, he used to go to the gym every day, go running always, so it's not like before he used to just be average weight, he was fit. He stopped going to the gym after a really bad breakup, and sort of let himself go a bit. It's not like he's really really overweight...but he has a belly and it shows in his face as well.

He hates that he's not as fit as he used to be, and I've tried to encourage him be more active. In the past six months he's started swimming weekly with a friend, which is good, but sometimes they just don't go. He's also started riding his bike to work, I think a couple of weeks ago, but he only really did it consistently for one week. I'm still very much attracted to him...but when I see pictures of him that are only two years old, it's frustrating to know that he could look like that. I don't want to make it sound like I only care about his appearance, I love so much about him, but it's frustrating to me that he seems to be not caring when he's so young. I understand that people get older, and bodies change, and you get wrinkles and grey hair...but it doesn't even seem like he's making a real effort to look better. He is going back to school in the fall (he had been out for a bit) and he says that he is going to go to the gym there (when he was in school two years ago that was when he was most active at the gym), but I'm not sure if he's really going to go through with it, just based on how he hasn't seemed to put that much effort into being active in the ways he's already started.

I guess I'm asking for advice on how to bring it up (if I should?) to let him know that it's something that does bother me...I mean, I've tried to encourage him when he says he is unhappy with his body, I've never been critical, but I don't just let it slide. But I guess from that it hasn't really come across that it is something that's important to me? I don't want to make it sound critical, or for it to backfire, so I'm just wondering how to broach to the topic. I've been wanting to bring it up for a long time, but I just don't know how to go about it, and I want to make sure I do it right.

This is sort of part of a larger issue that also frustrating to me; the effort I put into my appearance for him versus what he seems to do for me. I used to dress really casually before we started dating (jeans every day and solid colour tshirt), and sometimes I felt I was dressing nicely, but I really just didn't know how casual I was presenting myself. So I invested a bit more into different kinds of clothes, after he expressed a desire that I dress a little nicer (not overly different from what I used to wear, but I do have some nicer pieces). Also I used to wear studs as earrings, but he mentioned that he really likes large earrings (you couldn't really see mine), so I gradually started getting larger earrings. And I like doing this because I know it's what he likes, but the problem is he doesn't really seem to act on what he knows that I like. He knows that I prefer how he looks with contacts on rather than glasses, and because of this he's worn contacts a few times, but hardly ever. And he also knows I prefer his hair when it's short, and he's way overdue for a haircut, but he just doesn't really seem to care. I hope the way I'm saying this doesn't make me seem like I really care if he wear contacts or styles his hair the way I like it...it's the principle of it I guess, of how I've made certain changes in my appearance because I want to do something nice for him, but he doesn't really seem to want to do the same for me.

So that kind of goes along with the weight thing, since it seems like he's just not making an effort, or sees it as important as trying to please me this way. I don't know. I hope this made sense? And really, there is so much more to our relationship than physical appearance, but this is just the one issue I've been trying to sort out, since I really don't know how to bring it up. Sometimes I think it may just be trivial, but it is an important element to a relationship, isn't it?

Any advice on how to talk about these concerns with him would be wonderful!

MooMoo!

Hmm, well maybe if you did excercise together? Then maybe you could avoid telling him altogether.

Also heap on the praise when hes looking good, that'd probably encourage him to try a bit more.

Galeongirl

If he said he's going to go to the gym when he's back in school, perhaps it's smart to wait for that. If he's actually going, praise him a LOT!
If he's not, complaining isn't going to work. Perhaps suggest to train together, as Moomoo said. That might be fun and a good thing. Or motivate him by rewarding him if he practices. It sounds stupid but it usually works. "If you're going to train we can do *insert something he really wants to do". Or make his fave food when he returns from the gym.

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nadie

From one superficial female to another, it seems that your man already knows he's in bad shape, and nagging about it would only damage your relationship.

That said, I suggest you hint that him getting in shape would make you want to have sex more often.

bigjohn2441

^right, use sex to get what you want. that's a wonderful idea.

Purplereign

. . . sex does burn lots of calories though



being serious now though . . . I agree with Gg and Nadie and Moomoo . . . gently does it or you'll run the risk of making him feel even worse . . . sounds like he knows he's gotta get his a into gear so just love him anyway

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bigjohn2441

that depends on the guy

Purplereign

tru dat

. . .

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Bonoa

If he already said he's unhappy with his body, don't criticise him, don't comfort him, just ask why he is complaining about his weight and doing nothing about it! Emphasise it with a comment like how many people complain and do nothing about their situation and that you're tired of hearing it.

partygirlvox

Stop dressing for him, stop expecting him to look how you want him to look.

Liesje

I don't mean this in a mean way but it almost sounds like you are resenting him a little bit because you have done things with your appearance for him?

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zuropa_fit

Awhile ago, I gained weight over the span of a couple years and I'm sure my husband noticed it but if he'd said anything I would have been so ashamed and angry and hurt. But if he'd suggested we do something active together as a way to spend quality time together, that would've been fine.

When I did finally decide I needed to lose the weight it was of my own volition and for health reasons mainly. Has he been to the dr lately? Had his cholesterol / blood sugar / blood pressure checked lately. Sometimes it takes a scare like that to give someone the nudge they need to get active.

And yes, PRAISE when he tries or works at it, not for selfish reasons but because he's working at keeping himself healthy.

BVS

It shouldn't be about appearance, it should be about his health...

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^Apparently he did.

MyBloodySleeve

anitram

That's true in a way, but clearly it is about appearance for this person and I don't think that there is anything necessarily wrong with that.

For people who are not active and aren't really good at going to the gym on a regular basis, the best thing to do is come up with an activity that you can do together. It's a lot easier to go if you have somebody going with you all the time. If he likes cycling, find a gym that has spin classes and hit those up 2-3 times a week, then go out for a coffee or tea afterwards, it can be a nice way to spend the time with him too.

Or if you guys can rollerblade, go do that, it's really fun, and you get to spend time outdoors.

BVS

Oh I agree, I'm just saying it's easier to hear when you tell somone it's about their health, rather than "I'm looking fabulous and you're looking FLABulous".

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